If you are reading this the chances are pretty good that you have recently been involved in a difficult conversation.

You know, the ones you would rather sit in a dentist’s chair to avoid?

Well, your life may get a little easier if you check out the link below.

In my latest webinar, I take on the task of defusing difficult people, matrix style. The matrix was built for difficult conversations and with a some practice you may just find yourself handling the difficult people in your life differently.

Welcome!

I am looking forward to presenting “The Mindful Path to Dealing with Difficult Students” September 14.

Here is the link that will take you to the workshop materials:

https://www.evolvingsolutions.co/

If others are interested in attending, here is the link to the registration.

https://www.coraservices.org/event/the-mindful-path-to-dealing-with-difficult-students/

We have a saying around my school. I am not sure when it began but it is something that I hear both students and teachers say. I will share it but first allow me to set the context.    

The typical scenario would be a teacher or student be moving through their day. Someone will say or do something that signals they are struggling with difficult thoughts, feelings or urges ( otherwise known as yucky stuff ). A distress signal shows up outside of them. It can take the form of a complaint, a disgruntled or downcast  look, low level muttering, a heated discussion ( insert  your favorite distress signal here ). Everyone can see it and hear it except the one who is in distress. That is because in that moment they are hooked.

Most of the time the invitation to the land of the unwanted yucky stuff is a hook ( Hooks are strong, unwanted feelings or urges that grab you and pulls your attention toward them and away from what you really want to be doing ). Hooks start out as outside experiences ( getting up late, a difficult class or conversation, a distressing phone call) that become uncomfortable inside-your-skin experiences. Being hooked means you have less flexibility. Inflexibility feels like you have less options and choices. We just call it feeling stuck since that is pretty much how it feels when this sort of thing happens.

Your mind is chewing on something that it just can’t let go of.

Everyone gets hooked. It goes with the territory of being human.

So the saying that has slowly gotten around when we see someone struggling is that they could use some “Flexing Up”. By this we mean that they could add some psychological flexibility to their struggle. Psychological flexibility is simply noticing what you are doing and then making moves toward who and what is important with the yucky stuff along for the ride.

The key word here is NOTICE. Being able to notice the feeling of the hook breaks the spell and is itself a very flexible thing to do. The hook will still be there and we then we can just notice it along with anything else, like who and what is important!

So inviting someone to “Flex up” or saying you or he or she could use some flexing up is something that will happen once you experience and learn the psychological flexibility point of view via the ACT Matrix. The shared language we use creates space for that to happen. Teachers and students have learned to do this with each other. They are learning to see everyday distress signals as opportunities to flex up and not take them so personally.

Of course, whoever is stuck can choose to stay that way. They could also flex up all on their own since that usually feels better than struggling with the yucky stuff.

We are discovering that adding some psychological flexibility to someone’s day is also a very prosocial thing to do. it is a gift that keep on giving.

Anytime is a great time to flex up!

Yesterday, my colleagues Barry Barbarasch, John Lestino and I had the honor of presenting at the annual New Jersey Coalition for Inclusive Education Conference.

The focus was presenting approaches to inclusive education for special needs students, alongside their peers. It was a great experience and we had a lot of fun.

Our workshop focused on how to do inclusion.

We presented the prosocial matrix point of view.

From my perspective, inclusion is for everyone.

For inclusion to be prosocial, everyone is invited to have a seat  at the table. This includes teachers, students, parents and especially, those who disagree or who are “different” from you. Everyone has a voice and everyone is a stakeholder.

Once we can sit down at the table, we can connect by asking important questions with respect.

Ask about who and what is important for each of us.

Ask about why we are here and what role each of us plays.

Ask about what shows up inside of each of us that gets in the way.

Ask about the things we do to move away from what is uncomfortable and

And collaborate about what we want to do to move toward acting inclusively.

We see and we are seen.

We hear and are heard.

And then we can sit down at the same table as often as we need to, and know that

We have a safe place to return to.

To agree and to diagree. To feel the same about some things

And different about other things.

Building a culture by acting inclusively. No quick fix.

One moment at a time.